You Know You're In England When...

1. You play football on the weekend, have a half time team talk and your manager hands out cups of tea to the players. It is a well known fact that the English love their tea. The example I have given was something I experienced for the first time last weekend...

2. You wait for a bus for at least an hour, and then two of them come at the same time. The first bus driver usually tells you to get on the second bus just to even things out, but you have to be careful because if you wait for the second one, that bus driver may just drive past and leave you there for another hour...

3. You always encounter a glorious mantle-piece when entering an English home, an important feature to any Limey's abode. The usual objects being antique clocks (most of all don't actually work and are there for show), many cards from a previous birthday perhaps or even a simple ornament that has no particular use but to look 'pretty'.

4. You are unlucky enough to encounter a 'White Van Man' on your travels. My Dad is a clear-cut White Van Man, no respect for other drivers, passengers or (especially) cyclists. The only reason I can explain this is that most White Van Men do not own their vehicles, they are usually the property of the company they work for, so if they have an accident their company pays the damages...

5. You happen to encounter a queue of some sort, for the bus perhaps, the post-office, in a bank, or even for an ATM. The English love a good queue. You also get the odd queue-jumper too...

6. You don't know it, but you will without a doubt encounter an eavesdropping 'nosey-parker' at some point. These are the tactical beings who happen to neatly place themselves near to yours and your friends conversation and listen intently without you knowing. There is no real benefit from doing this, the English are a know-it-all race.

7. You are faced with the task of small talk, it is a very common occurance within the English community, when you meet someone it can be difficult to know how to start a conversation. A few key examples would be; "It's a lovely day today, isn't it?", "So what do you do then?" or the classical "What have you been up-to?". Topics to steer clear of would be a persons age, weight or appearence, jokes that might possibly offend and all topics concerning religion.

8. You come to a point during a meal out where you have to give a tip. Us English love to tip (well, most of us do), however we never know how much to tip. We do, however, hate the 'service charge' which some resturants/cafes add on themselves. This offends the English as even though they probably will tip, they just like to have the choice.

9. You finally start eating your peas by squashing them against the reverse side of your fork.

10. You notice that the English always complain about the weather, yet when they go on holiday (where it is definately much hotter) they carry on compaining about the weather. however this time it is "too hot" as opposed to "too cold".