Never put a sock in a toaster...

You Know You're In England When...

2010-03-29T08:29:00.003+01:00

1. You play football on the weekend, have a half time team talk and your manager hands out cups of tea to the players. It is a well known fact that the English love their tea. The example I have given was something I experienced for the first time last weekend...

2. You wait for a bus for at least an hour, and then two of them come at the same time. The first bus driver usually tells you to get on the second bus just to even things out, but you have to be careful because if you wait for the second one, that bus driver may just drive past and leave you there for another hour...

3. You always encounter a glorious mantle-piece when entering an English home, an important feature to any Limey's abode. The usual objects being antique clocks (most of all don't actually work and are there for show), many cards from a previous birthday perhaps or even a simple ornament that has no particular use but to look 'pretty'.

4. You are unlucky enough to encounter a 'White Van Man' on your travels. My Dad is a clear-cut White Van Man, no respect for other drivers, passengers or (especially) cyclists. The only reason I can explain this is that most White Van Men do not own their vehicles, they are usually the property of the company they work for, so if they have an accident their company pays the damages...

5. You happen to encounter a queue of some sort, for the bus perhaps, the post-office, in a bank, or even for an ATM. The English love a good queue. You also get the odd queue-jumper too...

6. You don't know it, but you will without a doubt encounter an eavesdropping 'nosey-parker' at some point. These are the tactical beings who happen to neatly place themselves near to yours and your friends conversation and listen intently without you knowing. There is no real benefit from doing this, the English are a know-it-all race.

7. You are faced with the task of small talk, it is a very common occurance within the English community, when you meet someone it can be difficult to know how to start a conversation. A few key examples would be; "It's a lovely day today, isn't it?", "So what do you do then?" or the classical "What have you been up-to?". Topics to steer clear of would be a persons age, weight or appearence, jokes that might possibly offend and all topics concerning religion.

8. You come to a point during a meal out where you have to give a tip. Us English love to tip (well, most of us do), however we never know how much to tip. We do, however, hate the 'service charge' which some resturants/cafes add on themselves. This offends the English as even though they probably will tip, they just like to have the choice.

9. You finally start eating your peas by squashing them against the reverse side of your fork.

10. You notice that the English always complain about the weather, yet when they go on holiday (where it is definately much hotter) they carry on compaining about the weather. however this time it is "too hot" as opposed to "too cold".

Here's One For You...

2010-03-12T11:05:00.002Z

"Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content."
Paul Valery

I just stumbled across this, a quote relating the adversaries that people and books may face. I don't know why i like it so much... Maybe it is the sense of reality behind it? The funny thing is that I am far from cynical, I despise cynicism ever so much however despite that and despite the humour involved this quote is very accurate.

Fireman Sam Eat Your Heart Out!

2010-03-09T08:27:00.005Z

I have a cat, it is safe to say that this cat is at best described as "doolally"... Because of the cold weather my cat has been a bit too domestic lately, not going out, staying in the warmth (which is probably a very clever thing to do), however this morning my cat was not so clever... I had not long been up when I looked through my bedroom window only to find my cat outside on top of the garden fence looking rather un-easy. I went downstairs and out into the garden and had to 'rescue' my cat from the jaws of the garden fence. She had managed to get through the cat-flap (which is a struggle for her as she is yet to grasp the concept of it, even after 9 years) and climb up the fence and somehow get stuck... I repeat, doolally!

Anywho, apart from my daring life saving antics I have not really got much else to share with you. I am still under the weather and had to sacrifice my nights out this weekend because of that, I don't mind though as I do enjoy staying in with the Girlfriend and 'vegging' out on the sofa watching a good film. Tell a lie, we actually hit Chinatown on sunday night for my Girlfriend's Dad's 49th birthday, despite the freezing cold it was a nice evening, we had Chinese food believe it or not....

Untitled 2

2010-03-01T10:17:00.009Z

Happy ruddy monday! I do not have the energy to write a full-blown blog entry so I am just going to amaze you by posting some images I have stumbled across recently... Below is the work of a Mr Edgar Mueller aka "super artist"!

Together with up to five assistants, Mueller painted all day long from sunrise to sunset. The picture appeared on the East Pier in Dun Laoghaire, Ireland, as part of the town's Festival of World Cultures.

For this image he actually spent five days, working 12 hours a day, to create the 250 square metres of it, which, viewed from the correct angle, appears to be 3D. I also like the fact he has managed to get passer-bys to complete the illusion by pretending the gaping hole was real...

Hi, I'm Jerry...

2010-02-25T08:54:00.009Z

Getting into work first thing in the morning is always a bore, I continue to carry out the usual things, turning the computer on, making a rosie, checking emails etc. I do like to be humoured in the morning, saying that, I looked at my emails and found one sent to me by my girlfriend last night, it actually made me laugh out loud at my desk (luckily I get into work quite early and no-one heard me). So, by re-posting it on here it will do the same to you where ever you are...

Oh and I just come across something rather annoying, everytime one of my collegues is in the office (being that he lives in Yorkshire and our offices are in London he is here an un-godly amount) and I am just about to tuck into a sausage roll/McDonalds/Bacon roll for breakfast he always walks past my office door, sticks his head in and says "mind your fingers". Now, the first time was quite funny (haha don't eat it too fast or you will eat your fingers instead, yes, very funny), the second time reminded me of the first so I still laughed but not as much as before. I've not kept count or anything but he has said it too many times now and it has officially gone beyond the realms funny. Sod off you northern pratt and let me eat my breakfast!

Also another work-related peeve, as per company policy I have to say my name when I pick up an outside call, each time I clearly say my first name (which is Terry if you are un-aware) and I've had it a few time recently were people keep calling me Jerry! Jerry???... I even got a "Tolivo" once (again, for the un-aware, my second name is Olivo, a strange surname I know) and someone seemed to think that Tolivo was an actual first name!

On a lighter note, I went to a football match last night, "down the lane" as us Spurs fans refer it too. T'was a very good game and we had pretty decent seats too. Super Pav scoring 2 goals and secretly putting his middle finger up at Harry Redknapp for not playing him as much as he should have. The funny thing about last night was that amongst us 5 going to the game, we had a Manchester United fan with us. Lets just say, he was getting abit too carried away with the Spurs chanting, too carried away...

Design By German

2010-02-23T13:23:00.009Z

I was just sent an email at work, it was not work related at all. Usually when I receive emails from this particular collegue I am always expecting something funny to read. This time I was sent something pretty cool. Now, I work for a German company so obviously this email had originated from Germany (hence all the German writing on the follwing images), however, I thought it was worth sharing as I do enjoy design-related things that I can appreciate (even if it is German)...

I do really like these designs, the only flaw obviously is that you would have to catch the lorry at a specific angle to see the design in its true state. The Hot & Spicy one is by far my favorite, although the huge bottle one is very clever indeed. Feel free to let me know your favorite...

Bath Time

2010-02-22T08:47:00.018Z

Hello readers! Again I have unfortunately left and un-holy gap inbetween my posts, however I wish to make amends by showing you what a great time I had in Bath. So to follow up on my previous post, yes, I went to Bath for a long weekend, it is safe to say I have been there on countless occassions, my brother Colin lives over there and I try to visit him as much as humanly possible! Everytime I have gone I have not gone for the sight seeing, no, I only ever go to see my brother, hit a few pubs/bars and generally have a great time!

This visit was slightly against the grain, I went with my girlfriend this time (with obviously the thought of seeing my brother also) but this visit was going to be different to the usual goings ons... A romantic weekend if you will, where I would proceed to actually "sight see"! I can't begin to count how many times I have gone to Bath and not actually been a proper tourist. So without further a-do, I am proud to present some photos for your viewing pleasure...

"We are here". This is yours truly pointing out exactly where we are on le map.

Just a typical Bath street.

The Royal Crescent. The "posh" Part of Bath. It is the curved buildings that amaze me!

A band stand in Victoria Park I believe, had to be photographed.

This was just on the entrance to Victoria Park, a World War 1 memorial if my memory serves me correctly.

The famous Pultney Bridge which I continuosly referred to as "Putney" Bridge... I was embarrassingly corrected by my brother.

A view of Pultney Bridge from on the bridge itself, the way the shops are on the bridge strangely made you believe you wasn't on a bridge at all, it just seemed to blend in with the two roads leading up to it!

Baths famous boomerang shaped lowhead dam (also known as a weir). Definately worthy of ones camera.

One of the taxi options available when in Bath.

I had to photograph this, a house on Queen Square completely engulfed with what looks like dead vines. Very eerie indeed.

Here once lived Jane Austen apparently...

Just a picture I wanted to take to show off some of Bath's architecture, I particularaly like to engraved road signs featuring on the side of many buildings.

A strangely dressed fellow outside the Jane Austen centre. I had to get a picture with him!

bath Abbey in all it's glory!

Darlington Street, there is nothing historically special about this street, I just liked the last house, the engraved road sign etc...

This creature is Colin, my brother.

Another view of Baths' weir.

I had to get a picture of this, whilst rumaging round one of Baths many book shops I came across a huge wall collage of Tin-Tin comic strips.

Talent like I have never seen before. This man was playing the violin whilst walking on a rope. I failed at taking a picture of him when we saw him in the evening as he was doing his act in front of a well lit shop which seemed to over power the flash on my camera. Luckily we spotted him again in the day time.

On one of our many walks around Bath we discovered this heavilly-weathered building, which I assume once upon a time had some very eye-catching Art Deco advertising on it.

Whilst in the queue to see the Roman Baths this woman was entertaining passer bys with her soothing music being played from what I can only guess is a very well dented tin bowl of some kind. The sound was similar to that of a steel drum, but not as agressive with the drumming part.

Outside the Roman Baths with the Bath Abbey lurking in the background.

Outside the entrance to the Roman Baths.

A small waterfall withint the Roman Baths structure.

This is the main bath itself, I just loved the reflection you got from just looking at the water, let alone the steam rising from the water as well.

The girlfriend :) Doesn't she look cute!

Whos that dashing young man? Oh sorry thats me!

Another view of the main bath.

At some point a strange man dressed in white robes came out of the structure.

By far the best picture I took from the whole weekend, I can get all "arty farty" with a camera but sometimes it is worth it!

The flowing water entering the main bath from inside the structure.

This was a second but smaller bath situated away from the main bath. Isn't the architecture just amazing?

Second bath again...

And again...

...... And again.

Finally, if my memory serves me well this small room was for massaging or something?

I hope you enjoyed my pictorial guide of our visit to Bath. It is truly a wonderful place and without sounding too "salesmanish" I would recommend anyone to go and visit.

Untitled

2010-02-16T08:28:00.002Z

Due to a recent long weekend away combined with this on going illness of mine I have neglected my blogging duties some-what. I will however continue to attempt to put more effort in. I was definately under the impression that I was going to be a blogger that blogged quite frequently, but it seems I may have been mistaken.

Any-who, yes, I have been away on a long weekend. I will not give away too much as I will have photos to follow this post, combined with witty captions and short stories. All I can tell you is where I buggered off to, I went to Bath (in Somerset) for 4 days with my girlfriend. That is all.

Someone Had Their Head Screwed On...

2010-02-08T09:04:00.002Z

This is just something I stumbled across while shopping in Sainsburys the weekend. Who ever left it there was thinking laterally, outside of the box if you will. Berocca is a popular dietary supplement for people constantly on the go, in other words it is the ultimate hangover cure, and the fact I saw it down the cereal isle in amongst the Frosties made me laugh somewhat. Instead of cereal in the morning, take this dietry supplement to get rid of your alcohol enduced headache...

Mind you, I did get a few looks from fellow shopperteers who happened to spot me taking this pitcure. I don't embarass easily so I didn't mind the attention (unlike my girlfriend who decided she "didn't know me" for about 5 minutes!). How rude, I just wanted to share it with the world!

Silver Lining

2010-02-02T22:41:00.005Z

There is some truth to this silver lining lark. It has been approximately 2 months now since I quit smoking. I'm very proud I managed to quit, and to be honest it is the best thing I could have done!

However there is a down side to all of this. I started to feel the aftermath of quitting, aside from coughing an awful lot I was getting ill way too easily! Amazingly I have been ill since Boxing Day, on and off colds/coughs the lot! To top it off, last Friday my doctor diagnosed me with a chest infection. After that I was beginning to think that quitting was a silly idea, maybe if I had known about the 'aftermath' I was about to endure I might not have bothered...

But yes, the silver lining... I just got in from my weekly lads night out down the local snooker hall (back in my smoking days I would have chuffed a few cigerellos by now) and I realised that I no longer reek of smoke when I get in, where-as before I would not even have noticed (being used to the smell of course). It feels good to come back from a night out and still smell my aftershave I put on before I left the house and also be able to leave a shirt in my room after a night out and not have it stink the whole room out by the morning!!!

It is also safe to say that my girlfriend, as a strict non-smoker herself, is also very happy that I have quit. The silver lining continues...

Jurassic Start

2010-01-28T08:28:00.002Z

I get out of my car after neatly parking it in the depot at work, I head for the door and enter in the code on the keypad. As soon as I put my foot in the door what do I hear? Someone whistling the theme tune to Jurassic Park... I work with strange people.

Quote of the Month

2010-01-26T10:06:00.008Z

I very much doubt I will be displaying a "quote of the month" every month (I will try my best but, let's face it, I'm lazy) but I have just heard the best quote so far this year. A truly wonderful saying from Jeff, our very own Quality Consultant here at work, without further a-do here it is...

"Lifes a shit sandwich, and we are all having a picnic."
Jeff Moules

You are probably wondering how this come about being said, well, funnilly enough, I ordered an egg and bacon sandwich not too long ago (I will have hopefully forgotten the "quote of the month" when the time comes to actually eat it), Jeff ordered the same, while ordering, I gave him my crispy ten pound note, fresh from the atm, and he gave me in return, a few coins and a rather less-crispy five pound note as change(honestly though this fiver was shameful). I jokily complained about this dreadful fiver, and in response to my complaint, this month's "quote of the month" was born...

A Long Time Coming

2010-01-25T08:23:00.015Z

Before going to bed last night I realised that it had been over a week since I had posted anything, truth is I have not had much to say. I didn't get the infamous writers block, there was just nothing I specifically wanted to talk about. Even after the weekend, I still don't have anything interesting to share.

Apart from 1 thing last week, nothing special really took place. However that 1 thing that did happen was really special, it marked 1 year that I had been with my girlfriend. 1 great whole year to be honest, no arguements, no conflicts, everything is just as it seems with her, easily the best year of my life to date and (despite it being monday today) I feel really happy.

In other news, I have a new desk calendar at work, it is not anything special but it has cheesey sayings like "A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around some other way" while at the same time telling me that in 1327, Edward III became king of England.... After reading that, I gave it to someone else.

Along with picture evidence of this completely pointless desk calander I have added some photos that have recently had the pleasure of being photographed by my blackberry. Enjoy...

This is the disgraceful desk calander I so kindly gave to a collegue.

Something I conjured up on friday and sent to my girlfriend, and yes I am strange.

While taking a toilet break at a Malaysian resturant I came across these funnies in front of the urinal.

Biggest sign you could imagine, on the side of a building just south of the Thames in London, as if anyone really cares...

A rather unfortunate sign don't you think? The words should have been "fuchs" which means "fox" in German...

To Prove You Wrong...

2010-01-17T11:18:00.004Z

Something got pointed out to me the other day. I only seem to write on my blog on weekdays, I seem to go AWOL on the weekends and not bother. So to prove people wrong, here it is, a weekend post from yours truly...

Now obviously, this is the point I then start to write about something interesting, or something completely random. I actually have nothing to write about, and I feel a little annoyed that I am writing for the sake of it to prove people wrong. I like to go against the grain sometimes, it is a problem I have.

That brings me to my next topic, the problems I have. Well lately I have been looking at the weather forecast way too much! I'm not sure if it is an addiction, but I seem to be hooked on the damn thing. What else? Well, not so much now, but my girlfriend bought me a classic n64 for Christmas and I could not stop playing that (that was an addiction because the thing is just so damn cool), however that has died down slightly.

So, with my middle finger up to those opposing my lack of weekend post's, I leave you safe in the knowledge that today will be a largely dry day with bright or sunny spells, possibly a few light showers to the south of London....

(Oh and to those who was wondering how I got on with my bosses car, despite driving really fast down the motorway, unaware that he had a spare tyre on that specifies you shouldn't go over 60 mph, I came back in one piece, along with a big smile on my
face).

I Had a Dream...

2010-01-15T09:47:00.003Z

Yes I did, I dreamt that I was a race car driver, Formula 1 I think... It was short lived as I woke to a face full of alarm clock! I hate my alarm clock so much, so much that I am thinking about replacing it...

I realise that my idea is flawed, it will end up with me getting a new alarm clock, then eventually hating it just the same. Oh well, on a brighter note, I get to drive my bosses Mercedes today. This might not be a good idea, it is not like I'm a bad driver, I just don't have a fast enough car to be a bad driver. Now I do...

The 2009 Drawer

2010-01-11T11:16:00.004Z

I have been back at work for a week now, it actually went suprisingly quick (which is always a good thing when you wish it to be the weekend already). Anywho, yes, back for a week already, I walked into my office this morning and took one look at my desk and thought: "my gosh, I think I have forgotten what colour the top of my desk is!". As you may have guessed, it is a right mess! I then proceeded to have a mass tidy-up, I started planning out what I would do with all my old files, all my out of date paper work etc etc...

The planning stage was going well, until something strange happened. I realised I had a free drawer in desk, one that had been untouched since I walked through my office door for the first time last year. It was then that the planning stage was pushed to one side. Everything that was on my desk, in paper form, is now embedded deep into that drawer.

I now call that drawer "the 2009 drawer". I know I will never need any of it anymore, but the fact of the matter is, I cannot be bothered to sort through it at this moment in time. So I have come to the conclusion that I will only sort this drawer out a year from now. Obviously then I will change the name of it to "the 2010 drawer" and replace it with all that covers my desk at that time. But for now, the 2009 drawer is in place, and will be untouched for a whole year.

I'm so productive at work. A real trooper...

New Toaster Please

2010-01-09T15:11:00.003Z

I decided I wanted toast. However my toaster had other ideas. Whether it was a blown fuse on the plug, or the fact it is about 5 years old now, my toaster was, well, not toasting anymore.

Before you ask, referring to my blog title, no, I did not put any socks in my toaster.

I then had to settle for toast the old-fashioned way, I used the grill in the oven. It took twice as long and it seems to toast the crust better than the bread itself.

I should have gone to the cafe. I would have done but I was let down by Simon who went out last night and was unable to get up this morning due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed last night.

Simon you owe me a new toaster.

Snow Joke

2010-01-07T09:44:00.003Z

I woke up this morning, and was very confused to why my alarm was going off, I then continued to believe I had put it on by mistake. It was then that it dawned on me, that today was thursday and I had to get up to go to work. I really hate it when that happens! I couldn't even remember what day it was, like as if I had awoken from some sort of coma (a strange, un-heard of "8 hour coma" that is).

To top that off, I finally decided to turn off my alarm (which had now been bleeping consitantly for about 2 minutes), slowly get myself up, only to come face to face with the blanket of snow covering every inch of what was outside of my window.

Driving in the snow is somewhat interesting to say the least, it goes without saying that you have to be extra vigile while on the roads (especially the side roads), any sharp movements could send you sliding into some poor sods front garden. I remember recently seeing something worrying but at the same time rather amusing. I was on my way down to East Sussex with my girlfriend, it was during the aftermath of the sever snow that hit southern England mid december last year. We were driving along the A22 when we both spotted some tyre tracks in the road vearing off into the forest. Obviously someone had taken a wrong turn, as the tyre tracks went straight into a load of evergreen trees and dissappeared into the darkness. Whether or not the car was still in the forest or not we will never know... However further down the same road we then saw a car which had drawn the short straw and had veared off in the same way, but into a barrier (you can imagine what state the car was in).

Believe it or not this dampened the mood slightly, it was then I knew which one I would have preferred to have experienced.

Metaphor Fail

2010-01-06T08:26:00.006Z

It’s snowing again..... This is not dreadfully too exciting as London has had the better of the snow overnight, much less than anywhere else in the UK.

To contradict, it’s kind of exciting, though, because the only snow we had last year was in February, but for some reason this winter seems more in touch with the snow. Obviously it is not that exciting for the people unlucky enough to have been in any car crashes, or anyone unlucky enough to have been snowed in somewhere they really don't want to be.

I was having a good think this morning on the way to work (dangerous I know), with my windscreen wipers on full, my speed kept to a sensible number, unlike the rain, there is no metaphors to describe how heavily it is snowing. There are a few metaphors for raining, such as “it's raining cats and dogs”, “it's spitting” or simply just “pouring.” You can't really say "it's snowing cats and dogs". It just doesn't fit, and there aren't any other good expressions. All you can say is "it's snowing hard", which, to be fair is pretty poor. I guess when it’s snowing, people say something along the lines of “it’s like a blizzard out there,” which is actually not a metaphor (or even a simile) because you’re not comparing it to something it’s not, you’re comparing to something it arguably is – a blizzard.

I felt the need to try and create some snow metaphors myself:

"It's like a sheeps blanket out there!"
"It's like a dandruff drift out there!"
"It's like Snow Whites fleece out there!"

That is the best I could do, feel free to add your own...

SSDD

2010-01-04T08:47:00.002Z

Same shit, different day. Or perhaps same shit different year? I hate the feeling you get when the festive period comes to an end you are faced with the inevitability of going back to work. Post-christmas depression if you will. That day is today for me, and I really wish it wasn't!

Anywho, 2010, does a new year always mean you have to "start fresh", "new year new me" etc etc? I actually liked how my 2009 went. I don't wish to change any of my habits, my choices, my lifestyle etc, it didn't affect my 2009 in any way so hopefully the same rules apply for 2010.

Although I will contradict myself slightly, I do wish to get a new job at some point this year... But lets face it, not many people are happy with their jobs, I happen to be one of those people.

To all those reading this I hope this year is going to be as kind to you as I hope mine will be to me!

A Touch of Frost

2009-12-23T09:56:00.003Z

I like a photo that can sum up something so well, so vast yet all it took was a simple click. I hope you like them...

I just want money...

2009-12-22T12:52:00.005Z

Thats what I want! Seriously though, money is the source of all evil, you can never have enough of it at times when you don't need it, but when you really do need money it can put a damper on your dreams...

Now you might think I am being a slight bit over the top, but the bottom line is, I have a dream, my dream is to go to America and play college soccer. In order for me to do this I need to get a scholarship, scholarships pay for your education in return for you playing soccer for a the scholarship college in question. This might sound all hunky-dorey but there is so much more costs involved than that.

First of all, most colleges out in the US don't offer full scholarships, so you have to pony up the dough to pay for the remaining tuition the scholarship does not cover. There is also visa costs, costs for taking a SAT test, costs for converting any qualifactions you may have in the UK to US equivalents, applying for the "clearing house" (which is the institution that rubber stamps international student applications), costs for verifying qualifications, health insurance and flight costs (for going out there initially and for visiting back and forth from the US to the UK. There is also a problem with living out there, under a student visa you are not permitted to work off campus, and being a "student athlete" out there tends to take up alot of time so part time work might not even be an option.

If I had the money I would have no problem with the above. My wonderful girlfriend has even offered to help me out, but being a man I have refused. That is not the main reason though, the fact I am a man means I have my pride yes, but I would not want to ask her for money, the odd tenner here and there, if I need to use her card online etc, but most of the above I could not afford, and I couldn't expect her to pay for the rest. The actual fact is that I love her so much that I am afraid to let her down, if I accept her financial help and fail out there then how could I live with myself?

All in all I apparently (through seeking advice) I would need £1500. To some that might not sound alot, but my job does not pay particularaly too well, I have other obligations aswell. Maybe dreams are always meant to be dreams?

JERSEY

2009-12-18T09:23:00.003Z

It seems I may, just may have made a slight mistake on a previous post! Turns out that teletext is to close mid-december, but only in Jersey! HAHA! I cannot believe that I missed the big 'Jersey' header on the BBC's 'Jersey' website. I have no excuses. However I will end this post on the same note as I did the initial one:

"So yes, farewell teletext (in jersey)!

My Portfolio (well some it)...

2009-12-17T11:49:00.013Z

Hello everyone, I was having a break at work and was reading a blog. Her designs she posted was amazing, and I really do like seeing other peoples work, especially if you can see the design process behind it! By seeing that I have decided to post some of my designs too. I have been to college and university studying design and over the years I have managed to build a portfolio of work, below is a random selection from that same portfolio, not all of my portfolio is digitalised unfortunately. Hope you like it...

A Fond Fairwell to Teletext...

2009-12-15T14:52:00.004Z

I just found out today that the teletext information service on analogue and digital television will close across the UK tomorrow!

It was inevitable with the internet being more favourable these days, but I remember the good ol' days where you checked the weather and the weekends lottery numbers on teletext. If you've ever looked up your flight information on page 295, or checked out the TV listings it is the end of an era.

I was always pressing the wrong bloody buttons though so would end up at pages I didn't want to, then I would get annoyed with how long I had to wait for it to go back! Ahhhh good times!

So yes, farewell teletext! (I wonder if this means they have got rid of Ceefax???).

Health & Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

2009-12-07T14:52:00.003Z

I was sent this earlier on to day, "Health & Safety and Equality Considerations" for Christmas, looks like Scrooge has been out-played on this one, read on...

The Rocking Song:
"Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you …"

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells:
"Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way …"

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched:
"While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around …"

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around he / she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer:
"Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
You would even say it glows …"

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities act, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey:
"Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load …"

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings:
"We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star …"

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold', etc. - gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.

Away in a Manger:
"Away in a Manger,
No Crib for a bed …"

Social services???????

Happiness

2009-12-03T15:41:00.005Z

I think it is very satisfying for someone when they have the ability to make more than one person happy at once. It seems this Christmas will be one to remember!

"If someone else is happy then I'm happy, if more than one person is happy through my actions then I'm even happier".
Terry Olivo (Me)

Origami

2009-12-02T09:29:00.008Z

I was reading the paper this morning and I came across an article about a French fella called Eric Joisel. He spends more than 100 hours folding a single piece of paper to create his breathtaking origami pieces. Have a look at his website, he has a truly amazing talent. He actually sells his "sculptures" for as much as 4 grand a go!

If you look on his website you will see loads of different designs, he even shows you how to do some of them, along with plan drawings where all the folds should go etc. Origami has never really interested me, I have folded the odd aeroplane here and there, maybe even 1 or 2 sailor hats but by seeing Eric's work it really has opened my eyes, I may have to invest in some paper....

"When people ask how long it takes to make a sculpture I say '35 years' because that is how long it has taken me to get to this level"
Eric Joisel

Reading FC

2009-11-27T09:43:00.005Z

It is now confirmed, I am going to a trial day at Reading football club on December 6th! Despite being 21 they have facilities for "over 18s trials" as they call it, so I'm quids in. All I have to do is make sure I save a few shots and don't drop the ball and it could lead somewhere (yes this does mean I am a goalkeeper). And just incase any Americans are reading I am referring to English football...

From the information I have been told, along with Reading FC, there will be scouts attending this trial day, clubs ranging from the Premier League to semi-pro teams. I was only talking with my girlfirend the other day about being a professional football player, it was really more of a joke than anything, but I decided to look for trials online anyway and this opportunity revealed itself. I mean every boy from the age of 7 that loves football will always say "I want to be a footballer when I grow up" and typically I was one of those boys! So I guess this is my last shot? I will let y'all know what happens if anything happens...

The Phantom Flag Flyer...

2009-11-26T14:24:00.006Z

Seriously, have a butchers at this! It is brilliant. I know who it is aswell but my lips are sealed...

Cloudy

2009-11-26T09:39:00.006Z

"Thats too cloudy to be a Jack Daniels and coke."
Christoper Hayes

The fact Chris was extremely drunk and the glass of drink we had collectively mixed for him looked nothing like a Jack and coke made this statement hilarious.... (It is one of those "had to be there" moments but worth mentioning none-the-less).

2009-11-25T10:14:00.002Z

"There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality." Pablo Picasso

From the words of Monty Python...

2009-11-24T15:32:00.007Z

"Always look on the brightside of life"

A quote I have lived with for many a years now, ever since I was adopted at the age of 7 I still managed to look on the "brightside of life". I remember when I first heard it, on the radio, on the way to Jaywick near Clacton with the foster carers I was with at the time. The ironic thing of it all is... I have decided to get into Social Work myself, mainly because of the dire-need for social workers at the moment but also because I feel I could help people the same way I was helped back in the day! I am soon to begin volunteer work within my local council which should point me in the right direction...

Brickin' it

2009-11-24T08:51:00.010Z

Here is a few pictures from the weekend. One of my good friends Chris (red chequered shirt) is sodding off to Austria with John (green chequered shirt) until April next year! So in celebration of his last friday in London we got pissed in style, well we went Brick Lane actually. Good night, ended up with some epic walk which ended up rather uneventful and also ended up with 4 of us in a cab home-bound, but I heard Steve and our friends for the night Gemma and Jasmin got home at 7 in the morning!!! (I do not envy this however I do know tfl can be a bastard like that).

The first picture features me, my girlfriend Tash and a homeless fellow (or so he says). For his time dedicated to our picture I gave him 50p, I now regret doing this as the next day Jos (blue chequered shirt) went down to the Lane with his mum and our photo-friend apparently abused them with foul language... When will the karma kick in ay?

After a hard days work...

2009-11-23T16:46:00.005Z

It seems that I have now spent all day at work concentrating on this page. The phrase "time flies when you're having fun" springs to mind. I know it is not very impressive, but I am sure that soon enough my skills will improve and my page won't look as childish as it does now.

Getting to know you...

2009-11-23T11:10:00.004Z

I am trying to think of the cleverest most wittiest opener for this thing and for some reason I cannot! This is very unusual as I am hardly ever stuck for words. Maybe I am trying too hard to impress with my first blog post (even though no-one even knows I have created one!) or it could quite possibly be the fact I am at work which is somehow blocking my creative abilities!

Never-the-less I have successfully created my first blog post, the first of many that could quite possibly have no particular meaning or make no particular sense at all.

*I feel I should put something here thats worth while but at the same time says goodbye but work is still curbing my creativity*